“I need to be naked, and I need to be seen.” Her voice was thick with emotion, her face a mix of fear, determination, and anger.
“Perfect, just you and I? Or do you want a circle?” My whole being was focused in on this brave and vulnerable woman before me, gratitude and humility dancing under my own naked skin as I felt the gentle weight of her trust setting over me.
“Just us. I can't handle the cheering and ra-ra-ra howling and calling everyone else is enjoying. This isn't a celebration for me.” She shook as she spoke, eyes never leaving mine.
In the background, those very sounds of celebrating women fell on my ears, the movement of them lounging around the blossoming cherry tree a mere 10 feet away danced on the edges of my vision…
I saw the peripheral blur of some laying in the grass, sharing deep stories of shame, healing, transformation… others dancing in the breeze, showers of cherry blossoms falling to their naked skin like blessings and offerings from nature spirits…
The contrast of sensual freedom, celebration, and relief from those women was a night and day confliction to the quickly unraveling and crumbling woman before me, and it sent chills over my whole body.
“You've got it.” My voice was strong, deep, and calm as I felt my own energy sweeping around her like a protective shield. “No one but us.” I turned, looking over the sun soaked field cradled in the mountains embrace. “You just tell me where you need to be, and we'll go.”
We walked in silence, passing women seeking solitary moments in the sun, swinging and journaling in wooden swings… doing yoga on blankets… the women enjoying the cherry tree… all of them naked and looking every bit the wild women they are. The taste of sensual freedom and bliss was potent in the air, everyone looking like they'd finally been given back the gift of themselves… and in many ways, they had. Reclaiming the primal parts of themselves they'd lost or left somewhere along the way in life.
And not one looked our way. It was almost as though they felt my energy closing everyone else off, leaving this vulnerable woman shielded as we made our way to a place she felt safe enough to finally experience her own reclaiming. Relief swam through me, my protective inner dragoness not wanting to have to turn away a well meaning approach from another.
She picked her spot behind a circle of trees, sheltered by a hill from the others. She didn't talk as she began removing her clothing in jerky movements.
“You know your body is yours to manage, and I'm simply here to witness and support as you indicate.” I sat in the grass, slightly turned from her, feeling the light tickle of it on my skin, goosebumps rising as the sun went behind the clouds. “If you want my back to you, that's fine. If you want me facing you, that's fine. Feel your needs and share them. I've got you.”
Silence and the rustle of clothing being removed and hitting the ground was all that met my ears.
Moments passed as she settled in, the air crackling around her… her breathing audible and sharp…
“I need to be held.” She finally spoke, tears heavy and shaky in her voice.
“How do you need to be held?” I asked, moving towards her. I felt her struggle to answer and wrapped myself around her from behind. “Move me as you need to…” I trusted she would and held her close, in awe of how right it felt for two naked women to be skin to skin in such an intense, intimate, and non sexual way.
It felt right. Like this is how we all should be.
Her tears broke loose as I lay my head on her shoulder, rocking us both in the power of her raw release.
“I've got you…” I whispered like a mantra, holding space for her to come undone without interference.
I don't know how long we stayed like that… maybe seconds, maybe minutes, time stopped existing as I was wholly absorbed in this moment…
“I need to be touched… anywhere…” She spoke with a watery voice. “I don't know what it's like to be touched in a non sexual way… to feel affection that doesn't lead to sex. I need to know what that is.”
“I'd be happy to do that for you, just keep doing as you're doing and let me know if you need me to stop.” My fingers swept softly over her upper arms, sorrow moving through me at her plea for safe affection… knowing that far too many of us cry the same cry… crave the same touch… and many never taste the comfort it holds.
“Breathe…” I reminded… feeling her nod and soften… feeling her quiet and calm…
Time still remained unmoving as this sacred magic spiraled around us. My fingers traveled the sweep of her shoulders… the plains of her back… the curve of her neck… the forest of her hair… the lines of her arms…
It wasn't just her I touched… it was me… it was you reading this… is was every man, woman, boy, girl, creature out there lost and hungry for love… affection... to be seen… heard… held… and fully accepted.
It was sacred. Holy. Magic.
“I'm ready to be seen.” She spoke, her voice fuller. “I need to turn around and face you.”
We settled into our new position, Indian style in the grass, knee to knee, eye to eye, heart to heart, words having no space. No need to be spoken.
The emerald green of her eyes was brilliant, I'd not noticed their color before now… her deep strength shone from them, softened by something else…
I waited… and eventually she began talking. Sharing all the things she'd been aching to share, giving birth to all the fears, shame, confusion, confliction of feeling the fullness of who she was while not knowing how to BE who she was. Of feeling the wrongness of seeing she'd never let herself BE herself, but had always just been who she was SUPPOSED to be for those around her.
We talked… we laughed… we cried… we talked some more… and when it was complete, she surprised me by saying “I guess you're my doula now… thank you for helping me be reborn.”.
Fuck. She gave me chills… soulgasms… and even more humility and gratitude that I was the woman she chose to honor with the gift of her REmembrance of herself. Of her rebirth.
This is the magic of women in community. This is the gift of taking time to leave behind our domestication to reconnect with our primal, organic, authentic being. This is the power of Wild Women Gathering.
(Shared with permission)
Tabitha Jester is a Primal Pleasure Activator helping women reconnect with their innate erotic nature by healing sexual shutdown, shame, and dysfunction through a merging of science, body wisdom, and holistic healing practices for a sustainable and firey sexual reclamation!
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