The Tango of Two in Love

"He won't do coaching with me, and it won't work with just me doing it."

"He's not into self work."

"We tried counseling together before and it didn't help our relationship, so I doubt me doing private coaching will either."

These are just a few of the reasons I hear (and have even uttered myself in the past, before I knew better) about why we don't believe we're going to get powerful and lasting help through individual coaching when it comes to our relationships and intimacy.

And I get it, it makes sense!

"It takes two to tango..." We've all heard the saying! You can't be an amazing dance couple if you're with a partner who doesn't know how to dance! Both need to have instruction and practice to be a sensual and beautiful couple in movement.

So surely in order to have an awesome relationship, you need to have a partner who's willing to do coaching or therapy with you.

Right?

Welllllll... not necessarily.

While it definitely makes the process different, maybe faster, it doesn't mean the only way to relationship success is for both of you to be in coaching or counseling.

And it's definitely not a reason to decide not to seek help for just yourself.

You see, though it takes two to tango, it takes TWO to tango!

If you're currently in a relationship, it's very likely that you and your partner already have specific patterns you dance to in your relationship.

They're comfortable, you practice them a lot, you've been doing them for ages!

Maybe this is using your affection as a tool for manipulation... you know if you're unhappy, you stop giving kisses and hugs and snuggles to your partner until they do what you want!

This is the dance you've created. Both of you are dancing your parts.

Maybe it's over controlling and micromanaging your partner, telling them what to do and how to do it, even when they don't really need your help!

This is a dance you've created. Both of you are dancing your parts.

Maybe it's never telling your partner "no", always making sure their needs and desires come first and yours usually remain unmet.

This is a dance you've created. Both of you are dancing your part.

I can give you examples for days, haha!

So if you're dancing a dance you don't want to dance, what would happen if during the dance, you simply stopped moving? Or you walked off the dance floor altogether?

Your partner could dance by themselves for a little while, but they're not going to be able to do the dance without you.

Or what if you stayed on the dance floor, but you started moving in the opposite direction? You started doing a completely different dance?

Again, your partner could dance by themselves, continuing the old dance, but if they want to continue dancing with you, they're going to need to follow you in the different direction, to do the different dance.

If you're with a partner who truly wants to dance with you, they will! They will follow you across the dance floor! They will learn to dance the new dance with you! Even if they're not taking dance lessons on their own. They're following your lead.

Eventually, you can both take turns leading and following as you learn new dances! As you learn dances you enjoy!

It's the same thing with coaching.

When my clients do coaching with me, I'm not usually working with both parties. I'm usually working with the women.

A huge belief we women have is that we have to either control our partners, or get them to do things by someone else telling them what to do. Whether it's a friend, a counselor, a coach, someone else who we believe has more Authority than us.