We're continuing this sexy 5 part series with the curious art of asking questions!!!
View the first tip here
Tip #2: Ask Questions
“He never goes down on me anymore… Maybe he thinks I smell bad, or taste bad…” Leanne vented to her best friend over coffee after yet another sex session went by the night before with her oral desires unmet.
“Have you asked him?” Her friend inquired.
“NO!” Leanne almost choked on her steaming beverage. “I don't have to! His actions are clear enough, aren't they?”
A few days later, Leanne still couldn’t get the coffee-house conversation out of her head, and she decided to bring it up to Brian.
“Hey babe… You don’t ever go down on me anymore… Do I taste or smell bad?” Her stomach was in knots and she couldn’t even look him in the eye.
“What?! Of course not!” He laughed. “You just never ask, so I assumed you didn’t want me to.”
I can’t tell you how often I have my clients run into this very scenario!!!
If there’s one thing that will kill your sex life, it’s lack of communication. Layer that with a healthy heap of assumption, avoidance, and fear, and you’ve got a bedroom on it’s way to the dead zone…
So how do we fix that?
ASK MORE QUESTIONS!
Instead of assuming all women and men want to be licked, sucked, and fucked like the pornos portray, assume you know NOTHING about pleasing your partner!
I don’t care if the previous 10 partners you had seemed to enjoy what you did to them, forget about it! Chances are, they weren’t being honest and authentic either…
The only way to know if you’re truly hitting all the sweet spots with your current lover is to ASK!
And be prepared for a blank stare, stuttered words, and some “Uh, I don’t know”s… Cause most people haven’t ever given it any thought in regards to themselves, let alone had a lover who did!
But this is also what’s going to set you apart!
Most people avoid asking questions because they don’t want to look dumb, untried, or virginal. All of us want to believe we’re god’s gift to our lover, haha! But relying on assumptions and wishful thinking isn’t going to cut it.
Just consider it for a minute…
When you’re out at a restaurant and the server comes up and asked what you desire, do you think they’re stupid?
I hope not, cause that would be silly…
Instead, you reflect on what you want and communicate it! And you do so with the ability to know that even if you eat at this restaurant every day, you’re free to change your choice based on your mood, cravings, and desires in THAT moment!
You’re not locked in to what that server might THINK you want… Or might THINK you need. YOU get to pick and have it honored as long as it’s an option that restaurant serves.
Intimacy should be the same way!
When we force ourselves and our lovers to stick to the first meal (sexual encounter) we shared with them, we quickly get tired of it and eventually grow resentful and nutrient starved for more diverse food (sex/foreplay/etc).
Is that sinking in?
Let’s also consider the fact that when we take the time to ask our partner what they crave and desire in the moment, we’re letting them know that we SEE them. We HEAR them. We give a fuck about what they want, and not just about having our own pleasures met.
That’s an incredibly desirable trait in a lover! One that most people won’t soon forget…
I’ve had so many clients get dreamy eyed recounting tales of previous lovers that may not have been “handsome”, “rich”, “successful”, etc. But they still get juiced up talking about them because they were ATTENTIVE lovers… They weren’t “self-centered”, they were open to asking about what touch was preferred, what positions, what likes and dislikes…
And that’s fucking brilliant! And sexy. Why? Because you just learned your lovers pleasure recipe without all the trial and error!
So what does this look like in application?
I’m happy to show you!
Here are a few questions I’d strongly encourage you to ask not only your lover, but also yourself. Because if you’ve got a good partner, chances are, they’ll be asking these questions back.
And part of being a conscious lover and knowing what YOUR likes, dislikes, boundaries, and desires are as well.
So here we go:
How do you like to be kissed?
What’s your favorite thing about foreplay?
What’s one sexual thing you’ve always wanted to try, but haven’t?
Is there something I’ve been doing that you’d like me to do differently?
I’ve always wanted to try _____. What are your thoughts and feelings on that?
What’s your favorite position?
What’s one spot you’ve wanted me to pay more attention to?
How do you want me to do that?
Guide me so I can feel what you want me to do.
Tell me how you want me to lick/suck/fuck you.
Take my hand and show me how you want to be stroked/fingered.
Is that too soft/hard/fast/slow/deep/etc?
How did that feel?
What did you like/dislike about that?
What would you add/do differently?
Even if you pick 2 or 3 of the above questions and ask them to your lover, you’ll be well on your way to becoming truly unforgettable!
Ask them frequently. Make the topic of sex and pleasure a normal topic. Sometimes we (or our lover) have a lot of layers of fear, shame, and pain in regards to our previous sexual experiences, and opening up and answering these questions can be a really vulnerable and confronting thing.
That’s COMPLETELY OK! And normal…
Give yourselves time to relax, open up, and learn to trust each other with deeper desires and sensual secrets that have been waiting to be uncovered and explored.
I hope you've enjoyed this, and I hope you stay tuned for the three additional tips coming up over the next few posts!
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Until next time, keep it sexy! Your Primal Pleasure Activator, Tabitha