Updated: Apr 15
I imagine the Cosmic Abyss tosses its hands up in the air regularly saying, "Do you want it or not!?", frustrated and at its wits end with my mixed signals.
“Why?” curious minds may inquire. Hopefully, yours is one of those, 'cause you’re about to get a page full!
In short? I’ve realized through much self-observation, that I have a super powerful habit of manifesting things…
*wait for it…*
And then NOT receiving them. I'll just shut them down as they show up.
Yeah. Sounds kinda dumb, right? It is. What brought this self-realization about?
Money and Sex.
My relationship with Money has been deeply dysfunctional in past years, and not at all evolved and dreamy like I'd wanted it to be.
I took the months to REALLY dig in and set the “reset” button back to steamy, abundant, financial flow and it was such an eye opening journey!
You’ve likely heard me say this before, but the way we show up in ONE area of our lives is the way we show up in ALL of them.
So if I was this dysfunctional and unreceptive with Money, it’s likely to show up in other areas as well. And when I was writing one of my erotica stories over the summer or 2020, I got a clear view of this joint issue between Sex and Money.
“Marc returned looking like a giddy kid trying to hide his excitement to not look over-eager, but he didn’t fool me. And I loved that he was this into it!
The candlelight and music set the tone as he whipped off his clothing with no ceremony to be had, jumping onto the center of the bed like he was leaping into a pool of water. I inwardly groaned… he’s so unlike me, often opting for humor over seduction.
He flopped onto his back, starfishing out and saying “I’m ready!” with his eyes closed and a grin on his face. I was quickly struck with another observable difference between the two of us and this one gave me pause.
Marc receives with ZERO resistance. If he wants something and it’s made available to him, he takes it with no hesitation, question, or refusal to be found.
Me on the other hand? I often fight tooth and nail NOT to receive, even when I’ve directly asked for what I want. Instead, I'm plagued with questions of my worth, my inconvenience to others, guilt at getting what I want, and even shame when my desires try to find a home with me. Obviously, they don't stay long... I don't let them past the door."
My tendency (as shown in the full story) was to fight receiving pleasure and my desires in the bedroom. Ringing a bell, right? Hello, Money rejection!
One of my favorite manifestation processes (I teach this in Sensual Self Mastery Foundations) has a 5 level activation exercise. It’s SUPER juicy and always turns me on!
Each of the 5 levels holds sensory cues, verbal cues, physical movement, and emotional activations that help me call in what I was aching for. It also contains proof signals that I’d watch out for as positive affirmations that my magic has been heard.
So I’d been doing my magic-making on the daily, and it’d been maybeeeeee two, three weeks since I'd started.
I was seeing signs of forward movement, and it was getting pretty sexy!!!
And then I got hit with a whammy… A huge and unexpected bill with a very short payment due date.
That was all it took to shift my positive proof gathering to negative proof gathering.
I started making a super huge case for all the ways this manifestation wasn’t working for me.
Telling myself old and long-outdated stories about my worth, my importance, my ability to create my dreams, etc.
It got messy, my loves.
Marc noticed, asked me what was up, and my whole clusterfuck and shitty spiral flew out of my mouth and all over the floor between us.
“It’s alright, I’ve got you, babe.” He attempted to soothe me in his own gruff way. “I’ve got the money, I can cover this and anything else you need until you get your flow back.”
Many of you might be swooning right now… dreamy sighs of relaxed surrender as your man comes in to save the day… feelings of being loved, cared for, safe…
But I’m not so graceful in receiving, remember?
I hardened up, pulled up my walls, and gave him allllll the reasons why his support didn’t matter.
Why I was not worth it.
Why I was failing.
Why I was teetering on the edge of giving up on some of my deepest dreams and desires.
Why he was going to begin to resent me if I wasn’t totally self-sustaining.
It was epically gross. Trust me.
And when I ran out of excuses, he simply said “I knew this move was going to unsettle your finances. I planned to hold and support your needs as you get back on your feet. You’re not asking for anything I’ve not already planned to give to you, I’m just glad you've moved from duty station to duty station to continue creating a life with me. That’s much more valuable than a few dollars in a bank account.”.
I tried soooooo hard to reject his words. I made a few more bullshit excuses and self-defeating one-liners, and he refused to buy into it and feed it.
“You’ve got this. Be patient. If I didn’t have faith in you, I’d tell you to give it up. I’m a practical man, trust me. You’ve got this.” He gave me a quick kiss and left me to fester.
And fester I did.
Up until I tried to distract myself with work and returned to re-read that bit of my erotica story I'd shared above before publishing it.
That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I was rejecting all the abundance I’d been manifesting.
Putting it in a tiny box with rigid guidelines that keep me confined and feeling defeated.
I pulled back out my practice of positive proof finding (You’ll find this in Sensual Self Mastery Foundations as well.) and got back into looking at all the ways I WAS receiving my desires WITHOUT putting them in specific boxes.
The results shocked the pity party out of me.
My loves, in three weeks' time, I’d gone from stage One from my previously mentioned exercise to moving into stage THREE.
But here’s the kicker.
I'd rejected and ignored it ALL because it wasn’t self-generated.
They were gifts and support offered to me by others, and I wasn't recognizing that as an act of my own manifestation.
This is what level Three held:
Bills paid with ZERO stress
New clothes, luxurious toiletries finally being replenished
Arms open wide, taking it all in
Laughing often, feeling light
Animals all have more than they need
Home gets nested in deeper and feels more like HOME
My outsides are finally reflecting my insides, and vise versa
Taking bold moves with business and seeing them pay off quickly
Every. Single. Line. off that list had movement and results.
But almost none of it had been self-generated in conventional terms like I’d been looking for.
Meaning, if I didn’t buy/pay for these things from MY money, and MY bank account, it didn’t matter. If I didn't create it through MY blood, sweat, and tears, it didn't count.
It wasn't positive proof my desires were being manifested, it was negative proof that I was failing because it didn’t happen in the way I decided it needed to.
I was humbled, babes.
I was taken down a notch or two, and I had a lot of gratitude to divvy out. Not only to the amazing individuals like YOU -peeps who are helping me make my dreams come true-, but also my lover… friends… and of course the Cosmic Abyss…
When I was sharing this all with Marc later that night, he reflected that these are the vulnerable money conversations that people never have. Everyone always looks like they have their shit together on social media, and behind the scenes, they’re a fucking mess!
This leaves us all isolated, measuring ourselves up to others and finding ourselves lacking in some way. How can we find support and insight into our own habits when no one talks about it?
It gave me more food for thought, and I knew I needed to share this here with you.
Is it fucking embarrassing on some level? Hell yeah.
I have loads of stories my inner dark side loves to throw at me… stories that people will only hire me if I’m perfect. Trust me if I’m invincible to human fuckery. Believe me and apply my teachings if I'm super-human.
But loves… that’s simply not me. And it never will be.
I’m firmly planted right here on Earth beside you. Dealing with the same issues in my own unique way.
So even though a little part of me cringes at being this open with my money shit, a much bigger part of me knows this is the real shit we should be talking about.
Plus, kinda funny that you all know SOOOOOO much about my sex life and pussy, but money would make you squeamish? Haha, it tickles my funny bone for sure.
And after all this, I pose this question to you.
Do you dream big and shut down/confine your desires to death? Are there a million and one conditions that keep you finding negative proof? Are you ready to open wide and take in all the juicy goodness you crave?
Just fucking do it so you don’t frustrate the Universe as I have. *wink wink*
I teach Romantics like you how to fall back in Love with Yourself, Your Lover/Partner, & Life As A Whole!
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